Your boyfriend is being constantly deceitful and sneaky with his computer use. I think that tells you everything you need to know. I totally agree that she should MOA. But is he lying to her? It kind of reminds me of hoarders. People who live with hoarders just have to deal with it or leave. Your boyfriend is clearly addicted to these chat sites. Like, literally, clinincally, addicted. Which raises several important questions. Has he always been addicted to these sites or has it gotten worse recently?
Two years is a lot of time. But lets take five seconds to consider if this could better be described as an illness. Two years in, you consider staying through an illness. He needs to get to therapy pronto and a psychiatrist who specializes in internet addictiosn. Hence going to a doctor and not taking anything I have to say about medicine as anything other than rampant speculation.
If he refuses to see it as a problem or address it, or go get help, then again, MOA.
Are you a midlife online dating addict?
I know that sounds like a cop out. But I have a highly addictive personality and I get literally , not a figure of speech obsessed with things for bursts of time and they are all encompassing for me. Only if you live with me will you know. However, given the description, he may need help that would actually help him not do this anymore. You clearly love the guy. You can support him and his treatment in return for his love, appreciation, commitment to you , your relationship and his health and still be able to look at yourself in the mirror.
But you should at least ask yourself if any of what I have said applies before plopping him on the curb. If he were addicted to online gambling… she could stick it out a little longer and try to help him get help. But, he is addicted to something chatting with single ladies! ReginaRey January 11, , I think this is a very reasonable analysis. And I agree with your last sentence whole-heartedly.
The former is going to make you overly-defensive. But if he is not receptive of the latter, and he understands that its a dealbreaker and he still just argues and defends? But I think it might mean redefining what you mean by disrepecting her. We would agree that swearing at someone not in jest is a sign of disrescpect. I am also not that familiar with addiction, but I understand that the object of the addiction is not actually that important — an alcoholic, a compulsive-gambler, a real shopolic, pornography — its all the same.
And none of it has anything to do with respect they have for their loved ones; its about control, self-soothing, and brain chemicals. If it a true addiction, I believe that dichotomy would carry over into his object — assumingly lewd chatting online. I am not excusing his behavior, or at least, not going forward. And perhaps I am over medicalizing it.
Whether he can help it or not his behavior is unhealthy for the letter writer and for that reason alone she needs to move on. If he needs help he will have to decide that he needs help and then act on that decision. She could spend two more years trying to fix him and then end the relationship feeling even worse than she does now or should could move on, spend time healing then meet someone else who is much better and be far happier in another two years.
Yeah, but if you deal with people with any kind of addiction enough — drugs, alcohol, pornography, whatever — you find pretty quickly that the effect it has on the brain chemistry honestly makes them more often than not completely unable to recognize the fact that they need help. But, yes, he has to want it at some point early on in the process. Let me put it to you this way, LW: FireStar January 11, , 1: I find the word addiction is thrown around so much these days — particularly when it comes to behaviour.
Where does personality accountability stop and mindless compulsion begin? I understand that some behavioural addictions alter brain chemistry but even if it that is the case, is there no personal accountability in getting to the stage of addiction? The point before choice turned into compulsion? Our natural inclination as humans, I would hope, is to help and treat but I think some times we end up facilitating and fostering by coddling someone who should have been held to a better standard to begin with.
I have known addicts in my life — both of substance and behavioural afflictions — and have seen first hand that they can only achieve a balanced life when they choose one. If this LW had had enough and was like, hells no, she would have left him already. I think I would have. Everyone was quick to tell her that she effectively had no choice but to leave him, if she respected herself. I wanted to put it out there that, depending on what is really going on, she does have a choice.
Colleen January 11, , You make some really thoughtful points. Whenever we support someone going through a hard time, it needs to come from our own place of strength. LW is just too beaten down by this relationship and too close to the situation, in my opinion. Leroy January 11, , It does sound like his behavior has intensified. I may be a little callous, but I think that people with addictions only deserve their SO if they are willing to treat their addiction.
Relationship Advice: “My Boyfriend is Addicted to Singles Chat Sites”
I realize that people with addictions might not be ready or want to realize that they have addictions and perhaps need loving people in their life. That is called co-dependency.
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I first read this as saying your boyfriend is addicted to Single Cat Sites, which would have been equally weird. TheOtherMe January 11, , If he refuses, M. A dear LW, sorry. Beth January 11, , If the tables are turned, he might not like that at all. Regardless, MOA…before the damage is done to your self esteem and you cannot get out. At some point, you have to own up to your actions and try to get help, which he is obviously not ready to do. Some addicts reach that point over and over again only to keep slipping and it is exhausting and painful to be the loved one watching it. In the end only you can decide if your relationship is worth all the pain he has already put you through, and all the pain he will continue to put you through in the future.
Maybe sign him up for a Single Cat Site…. If he were online playing video games all the time, or even watching a moderate amount of non-interactive porn, but he was being honest and open with you about it, and responded to you maturely if and when you voiced concerns, that would be a whole other ball of wax. Do you see the difference? Most would consider this unhealthy and obsessive behavior at best, and many would consider it cheating as well. So he is engaging in a behavior that is disrespectful to your relationship boundaries.
They do not refuse to even compromise. So can you keep having this same fight forever? He closes the browser when you approach, you snoop his computer. Perhaps less serious than the other issues, but again, he is entirely unresponsive to the fact that his behavior is depressing you and causing you to literally lose sleep.
As stand alone issues, you could maybe work on these or try and get to the bottom of them. You have already communicated substantially, and he has done nothing to compromise or improve the relationship. What does that tell you about how much he cares about your relationship? Bottom line- LW, you are with a guy that disrespects you, takes you for granted, and wipes his ass with your happiness. Your choices are limited but clear.
Accept his behavior and the consequences to you or move on. Elle January 11, , What he does is damaging your self-esteem, and even though he knows that kudos to you for telling him , he refuses to stop doing it. One thing I noticed works with guys like him — reciprocation. That thing that annoys you when he does it — you do it to him. It will drive him crazy!!!! LW, please go to therapy so you can better understand why you are willing to settle for such a dysfunctional relationship. Your BF is one part of the problem but your putting up with it is the other part.
“My Boyfriend is Addicted to Singles Chat Sites”
As in most cases, we are our own worst enemies when it comes to our own happiness. Dang, as a person who definitely spent time on dating sites in her single days, it infuriates me to think that there are people mascarading as single. Yup, he had a girlfriend. But the dude was so messed up, i finally had to block him!
So I recommend leaving him. I agree with everyone here that you should leave as soon as possible. But I wanted to add something, based on personal experience. I used to live with a porn addict he was more like an addiction addict, actually , and when our relationship was about to collapse because of it no sex, he would lock himself in the bathroom with his computer first thing every morning, etc and I said I wanted out he suddenly stopped.
BUT he turned to alcohol.
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And then I started trying to remember and I realized that even though the porn thing was the longest period, I had seen him compulsively doing ketamine, then cocaine, then food, then making new friends obsessively, then watching porn, then drinking. Then the second time he disappeared in the middle of a conversation and I found him playing when I looked around the house for him I left.
Actually I know what I was thinking. He was absolutely hot and loved going dancing with me. Budj January 11, , 3: That one, and Dungeon Keeper II. AKchic January 11, , 1: Honey, you have an internet junkie. A chatroom junkie to boot. He enjoys chatting with anonymous people. So he can flirt with them, and more than likely, engage in cybersexual relations with them. You have aired your concerns and are now becoming his psuedo-jailer. Walk the fuck away. Either kick him out, or move yourself out.
Grow a backbone and stop being a doormat. Can you imagine not wanting to fall asleep because your pervy little boyfriend is going to run to the computer? AKchic January 11, , 3: A few places are near 40 in town, which is really weird since it was two days ago. Thank goodness I have multiples plus a small snow blower! Plus, it would save me about 60 minutes every snowfall in shoveling the driveway. Britannia January 11, , 5: Feel free to send some of that my way! AKchic January 11, , 6: Us Sourdoughs just shrug it off and consider it part and parcel of living here.
Anna January 11, , 3: But no matter what the reason, she definitely needs to dump his ass and move on because he clearly does not value her as much as she values him. On that note, I am starting to see two comment threads here instead of one after quite a few glasses of wine. Yep, it was THAT kind of night at work last night.
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I think I should sleep before I have to go back at 11 pm tonight…ugh. The thrill of the chase is a part of it. Zepp January 12, , 5: Tracey January 11, , 3: Arguing repeatedly about a behavior your boyfriend is unwilling and maybe unable to change, behavior that is starting to negatively impact your emotional and physical health. Why in the world do you want to stay in this depressing, soul crushing, unhealthy situation? You deserve better treatment, a better living situation, a better partner, better health. LW, you really have two choices. Meredith January 11, , 9: My parents would get all mad at me for tying up the phone line back in the awesome days of dial-up!
About 11 years ago I dated a guy who would call hotlines to engage in phone conversations with random people. I still think about how strange that is. And this is just as, if not more strange. Weirdo on your hands! Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Google Search Questions, Vol. Dear Wendy January 11, Columns comments. My boyfriend and I dated two years before moving in together.
Things are going great except for his addiction to singles chat sites. LW, This is bad! This is too big of a thing to be fixed. Simple and to the point…I love it haha. I could understand being addicted to WoW…. Once I get thru prelims and get Skyrim, I may have to use this. Much like those running apps that show how far you ran and what your time was: I wish I could upvote this more than once. They already have a male sex toy that does exactly that!!
I want to live in that future. Which makes the relationship hard, you see. As a future music teacher, this squicks me out so bad. One of the concerns was that some of the images he was looking at involved very young people. One lie, broken promise or neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding. Two may involve a serious mistake. Essentially you are just someone to split the rent with.
Just to take a different angle on this: Also, you should ask yourself if this is a phase. I tend to think if this is the case, the LW leaving might be the wake up call he needs. The word, not the action. LW, have you gone on these sites yourself? There may be more - she couldn't quite remember. Being in touch with all these men makes me feel alive and interesting. One in five new relationships starts online, according to research by eHarmony, with the relentlessly upward swing such that it's thought more than 50 per cent of couples will have met online by , and 70 per cent by Debrett's recently announced that it is releasing an etiquette guide for older daters, after research found that almost one million overs were ready to use dating sites in pursuit of romance and even sex, but weren't sure where to start.
Well, plenty already have. Whereas Tinder and the like were once seen as a something's game, and purely for "hooking up", its reputation has changed and now there's an entire older generation of daters hooked on swiping right.
go For the uninitiated, this indicates you're interested. If they swipe right, too, you have a match. And as 40 and somethings are finally being recognised as late but enthusiastic app-adopters, five per cent more of the market is moving towards this age group. Some apps such as Firstmet are specifically targeted at older users, with more than 97 per cent of their 30 million users being over Jo would have attested to this rise in the older online dating market - if she hadn't spent our entire meeting checking her phone. There were texts from "Pete", messages from "Greg" and all sorts of other winky face emoji pinging through.
When I asked her if she knew what she was looking for she pulled a face. I can recognise this. Online dating can be great. It helps you meet new people. It reassures you that there's someone out there - the dating arena for the newly single something goes from being barren to full. For her, this isn't even the point. Yet she still feels upset and rejected if connections fizzle or men don't reply. And here's the rub. The opportunities seem endless.
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But as author and human behaviouralist Alfie Kohn points out, being on countless apps can signal a potential risk of dating addiction. You spend part of your time trying to recover from, and make sense, of all these lovely people who won't give you the time of day, then the rest avoiding people you have no interest in. It can take over your life. So the very apps that are designed in order to help people to meet, are actually doing the opposite.
The US Association of Psychological Science found that reviewing multiple candidates causes people to be more judgmental and inclined to dismiss a not-quite-perfect candidate than they would in a face-to-face meeting. When I was single, after my long-term relationship with the father of three of my four children broke up after many years, I spent a couple of years online.